woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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