I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
