my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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