you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
