I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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