Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
