hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
