I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
