I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
