Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
