i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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