You smell like a Billy Joel song
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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