I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
