If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You are a genius and a whore.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize