She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
