you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
