I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize