if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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