i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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