That's when you crack a 10am beer
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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