the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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