i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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