I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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