hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
