God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
