The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
