Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize