I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
