I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
