you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
