Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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