Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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