your thong is hanging out like whoa
Your face is a jimmy john
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
