I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
did i walk over a car last night?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
