Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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