I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I see more hoeing in ur future
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