I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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