His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
