just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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