I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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