Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
