I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
