My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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