i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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