Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
