broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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