Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
