I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
