You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
