I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
