i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
