You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize