if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Don't tell me you're on acid again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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