His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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