In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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