when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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