How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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