If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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