i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
