they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
