Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
