i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
